The life of Moominpapa

By S G-Poulsen

Moominpapa is the father to the world's most famous moomin: Moomintroll or simply Moomin, but while his sons life is well documented a lot less is known about his father's life before and after the famous Moomin books and cartoons. The earliest credible information about Moominpapa's life is from about 10 years before the events taking place in the books about what appeared to be the happy lives of a loving family.

Relentless digging through Finnish police files and a healthy dose of blackmail and bribes have however brought interesting facts to the light of day for this eager reporter. A highly classified police report hidden away in a dusty cabinet of the Helsinki police department tells a story that only a handful of selected government official and the involved people themselves, all of which are protected by the Finnish witness protection program. Through a month of investigation I was at last able to gain contact with the victim of one of the most heinous crimes in the history of the Helsinki police department, the person wishes to remain unnamed but has allowed me to quote her with the following quote.


It was terrible. I saw him in the distance, I saw his fluffy tail and that horrible, HORRIBLE hat, I mean I didn't know who he was, It wasn't till years later that I heard about him in the news. He… he was just looking at me with this… animalistic lust; I have never known anything like that stare before or since. And then he just… he… he… he.


At that point of the interview she dissolved into tears at the memory and I decided to leave her to recover. She is the only survivor of what is known as "the Hietaniemi beach massacre" where over 16 people were brutally beaten to death with a cane and the only survivor were raped before being left for dead in the sand.

Officially the crime have never taken place and there is no record of any of the victims ever even existing so it is hard to say exactly what happened at that beach, but it is clear that Moominpapa was arrested not many hours after the massacre and that later the same night the case and Moominpapa himself disappeared into thin air. It is speculated that Moominpapa had strong ties with the government and the richest people in Finland. This, while not a fact, can explain why Moominpapa disappeared into thin air without prosecution, the police report I managed to obtain also makes it apparent that Moominpapa was banished from Finland and was never allowed to return again.

After this event Moominpapa disappears from the face of the earth, not reappearing till he finally appeared in the Moominvalley 2 years later along with his wife to be, who later became known as Moominmamma. Moominpapa seemed to have found true love in his spouse and together they built a blue house and settled down to live peacefully and for a while Moominpapa and Moominmamma lived happily in the Moominvalley without any regrets or any sign of Moominpapa's violent past catching up with them.

It didn't take long for Moominpapa to put his cane to good use and the now world famous Moomin was born and the couple became a family. How exactly the small family came to fame is still a mystery but it is a fact that when they debuted in the now classic children's book "The little troll and the Great flood" everything was changed in the little house in the little valley.

Moomin who quickly became the center of attention and rode of the wave of success all the way to the bank and the bar where he soon established himself as quite the ladies man, despite his young age. Moominpapa didn't take the change well though, exactly what turned the curve downwards for the top hat wearing family father is unsure, people blame stress, jealousy or that his past was finally catching up with him, the true reason remains a mystery to this day though. What is known is that Moominpapa's mood grew darker day after day and that the final straw for the mentally strained individual came when the love of his life, his beloved Moominmamma left him.

When Moominmamma left him in favor of another local resident known simply as Sniff, Moominpapa finally decided to leave the Moominvalley, his ex-wife and drug doing son, behind to go on a trip to clear his mind and fix his life. Moominpapa gained a job as the head chef aboard a vessel that was on its way around cape horn. During the long sea fare surrounded by nothing but sweating muscle bound men and still rebounding from his failed marriage Moominpapa became insecure about his sexuality.

Many psychiatrists have tried to map out Moominpapa's mind over the years and one of the few things they can all agree on is that Moominpapa's sexuality is the likely cause of many of the violent tendencies that befalls the unlucky Moominpapa. This led to Moominpapa's violent mutiny where he beat up every man on the ship and threw the captain overboard before renaming the ship: "the feminine man" and raising the Jolly Roger. Moominpapa himself soon became known as the notorious pirate captain: The Finnish Top hat, and gained infamy as he robbed every ship he came across on the Atlantic Ocean striking down all opposition with his most trusted weapon, a giant purple dildo. For a few years the feminine man reigned terror and good times were had by the crew of the Feminine man, then words reached the pirate ship about another band of pirates creating just as much stir as themselves on the blue waves and it was as if a chill of the cold north went through the spine of the famous fearless pirate the Finnish Tophat as he read the name of the pirate captain.

The feminine man soon caught up with "The masculine woman" and a great sea battle soon raged on for many days and nights. The battle ended as the Masculine woman managed to ram the feminine man and its crew boarded the proud vessel of the Finnish top hat. The crew on the feminine man was quickly overpowered and Moominpapa came face to face with the captain of the enemy vessel, the dreaded captain Sniff, taker of many lives and wives.

Faced with the man who had taken his wife from him Moominpapa went on the offensive, for over 2 hours the captains fought it out evenly, but eventually Sniff's sword proved superior to Moominpapa's purple dildo and it was cut clean in half. Moominpapa jumped into his magic hat and swore revenge as he flew off to a seemingly uninhabited island. Unfortunately for Moominpapa his hat ran out of magic juice during the flight and he became stranded on the island, further investigation of the island soon revealed that it was anything but uninhabited though as Moominpapa soon discovered an extremely advanced hidden on the island. The islanders agreed to borrow Moominpapa firewood and other necessities for him to create signal fires around the island so he would be able to escape the island. Moominpapa however didn't think that was quite enough and decided to steal large quantities' of the islanders' strange explosives to give his signal fires a bit more of a boom. The islanders didn't take kindly to this but left him alone none the less, hoping that he would soon be out of their lives and left completely alone Moominpapa carved out a smiley on a coconut and gave it the name Tuesday because he had made it on a Monday but didn't think to name it till the day after.

It took years for a ship finally to pass the island and when it did Moominpapa excitedly lit his fires but what he didn't expect were the stolen explosives setting off a chain reaction through all the signal fires and the islanders' main power generators causing the entire island to implode and sink the advanced civilization into the sea. Sadly the giant explosion went unnoticed by the ship as the Playboy channel had just launched and the only one not watching the show in the living quarters was the drunken captain who was sleeping on the deck.

When Moominpapa realized that the ship was not going to pick him up he decided to swim his way home, but for unexplained reasons he decided to swim west towards America instead of east towards Europe, leading many to speculate that Moominpapa had received little to no education. Against all odds Moominpapa managed to survive the incredibly long swim and washed up on the American shore.

Never having learned how to speak English Moominpapa didn't do well the first few weeks of his time in America before he realized that he could make a decent buck around various street corners. Eventually he gained enough money to open up his own 'massage parlor' the Finnish heaven. His business in the adult industry didn't last long though as the local mafia was able to spot an up and coming competitor and decided to cut off the problem at the root and burned down the parlor, stuffing Moominpapa in a box and shipping him back to Finland by airmail.

Flying through Finish air space the Pilot was told that he couldn't land in Finland as long as he carried Moominpapa in the plane, for that reason the pilot decided to fly over the Moominvalley and drop Moominpapa into the valley where he had once lived peacefully with his family.

In the years Moominpapa had been gone a lot of things had changed in the Moominvalley, gone were the green fields and the gentle stream of water and the low tech lifestyle, and in its place an empire of gift shops, public toilets and parking lots surrounded the glass incased Moominhouse. Along with the many new structures and businesses also came an army of store clerks, gardeners' and cleaners, and it was one of these cleaners that discovered the box that dropped from the sky. Breaking open the box the cleaner was shocked to discover a very confused and possibly drugged Moominpapa in the small crate. The cleaner was not the pointiest stick in the armory though and thought that Moominpapa was simply the actor who was supposed to be in the Moominhouse in the daily Moomin show that was the main attraction for tourists coming to the valley and so it was with great haste that the cleaner sneaked Moominpapa into his own home through the backdoor.

Exactly what Moominpapa was thinking as he walked around the house is unsure, it is however known from eyewitness accounts from the tourists who spotted Moominpapa before he spotted them, that he was walking around much like he had done during his happy days with his family but when he spotted the tourists everything changed. Going into a murdering rampage Moominpapa quickly threw all of the Moomin actors out of his house through whatever opening was available, and so the actress giving it as Moominmamma ended up flying out of the third floor window. The tourists all fled for their lives as Moominpapa ripped out the floorboards in the kitchen to retrieve the cane that had served him so valiantly years in the past when he had committed the Hietaniemi beach massacre, the angered Moominpapa used his trusty cane to bring down quickly fight off the guards and went on a furious search for his long lost family.

While Moominmamma's whereabouts are to this very day unknown (though rumors say she is currently living life as her alter ego: Paris Hilton), he did managed to trace down his son who was living isolated in a luxury bunker in the other end of the valley. Moominpapa went rampaging from the his house to the bunker while ravaging every single gift shop or parked car on the way. As he arrived at the bunker he found that someone was already engaged with the army of guards and after a few seconds of trying to recognize the blood splattered man he realized that it was none other than his old friend the odd but intelligent and friendly loner: Snufkin.

Moominpapa had always known that Snufkin was against the commercializing of the modern society, but that the quiet pipe smoking Snufkin was willing to take up arms against the corporations was something Moominpapa had never dared to imagine and yet here he was, his green hat covered in crimson blood and Moominpapa quickly joined forces with him as they breached the bunker. Fighting their way t the inner most part of the bunker they discovered Moomin surrounded by what they assumed could only be evil naked smoking hot female henchmen that were torturing Moomin by trapping his head between their legs while screaming and moaning out his name. Snufkin quickly went to save the poor Moomin from his horrible tortures as Moominpapa found himself face to face with his most hated enemy, a former pirate captain and the mastermind behind the Moomin entertainment empire: Snif.

How exactly the fight went on we know very little but what we do know is that when Snif's remains were discovered in the aftermath of the battle he had Moominpapa's cane stuck 10 cm behind his right eye. Soon after the battle was over Moominpapa and Snufkin met up outside the bunker where Snufkin was dragging the kicking and screaming Moomin after him, the poor kid who they quickly discovered was in some sort of paranoid trance thought actually believed that the women that had so clearly been torturing him actually liked him. Brought together by the struggle Moominpapa and Snufkin soon realized that they had feelings for each other and Moominpapa was finally man enough to realize his own homosexuality. After a few weeks the two men were engaged in a serious relationship that ultimately culminated in their marriage. Sadly the joy of their marriage was soon dampened as Moomin, who never got over the paranoid trance and therefore still missed his tortures, committed suicide by swallowing a kitten that in pure panic then clawed its way out of his stomach. While the initial attempt only put him in the hospital to endure weeks of extremely painful operations the kitten soon returned to finish the job by clawing Moomin's face clean off.

Moominpapa went into a long period of grief after the news of his son's death but eventually got over it about 15 minutes later when he was served a great steak for dinner, but just when things were looking up for Moominpapa with his marriage and the quality dinners Snufkin turned out every evening, disaster struck. Snufkin was brutally killed as he was run down by a local farmer in his combine harvester, at the news that his beloved life partner was now spread out over half a harvest of wheat the troubled old Moominpapa snapped once again and completely obliterated the unlucky farmer (The police has yet to find enough pieces of the farmer to ID the victim).

Since then Moominpapa has made no public appearances instead rumor has it that he travels around the world committing dastardly and perverse crimes in the shadow and so this reporter signs out of the Helsinki police station and signs the confidentiality papers that I, by the time you are reading this, have violated, I believe however that my deed is justified. I believe that informing the world about the horrible Moominpapa and his deeds are worth whatever penalty I have to pay for breaking the confidentiality, and allow me to end with a quote from that one survivor of the Hietaniemi beach massacre that I believe is the best advice that can be given when it comes to Moominpapa.


When you see that fluffy tail or the silhouette of that menacing top hat, you do the only thing you can: You run, and you hope to god he doesn't give chase.